I’m sick of listening to myself. Talking to myself like I am not worth anything. Telling others to do things without actually doing them myself. It’s time to stop the B.S. – Susan Young
I say this but do I really mean it? Am I actually going to follow up with my words with action? Who is going to hold me accountable? I’m the only person fully responsible and in control of what I do, so if I decide to say “f*#$ it” and not bother, who is going to care anyway?
What I just said above is EXACTLY what I’m talking about. The B.S. (bull-shit belief system) that is playing on repeat in my “bad Susan” mind. And I know for a fact that I’m not alone, we all have our own B.S. to deal with (even Oprah and Tony Robbins suffer from this stuff) …. read between the lines of that sentence and what I am actually saying is:
I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
Why do I think that? Why on earth would I believe (and it seems to be quite a solid belief as this has been going on for 41 years) that I am not good enough, when really and truly WE ARE ALL GOOD ENOUGH, yet this pattern just keeps coming back and then I have to re-adjust myself, re-awaken myself and start again as [normally] I will have sabotaged the living daylights out of everything I just worked my little behind off for, only to begin again? I mean, c’mon, really?
So I am sick of myself. So what can I do to change this? Employ another mentor? Seek out another coach? Join another networking group to make new friends, have new conversations, hang out with my friends, have some laughs, go on a date or 5, take a trip interstate to see a friend, join another new networking group, make more new friends (I have enough friends, I actually don’t need anymore)….. drink too much red wine on a Tuesday night and get no work done the next day?
Someone asked me earlier in the year “what are you running away from” and it struck a chord (but of course, I didn’t listen or do anything about what my innate was telling me) – I’ve been running away, literally and metaphorically since I was a little girl. In fact, I went out with some friends for dinner on Saturday night and I recalled the reason why I run away. There are many, but there is ONE thing that drives this. And I am grateful that I know it now.
And as I write this the tears start to burn in the back of my eyes and I find it difficult to breathe and control the feeling of complete and utter loneliness, self-doubt, fear, selfishness. And I don’t want to cry as I don’t want my make-up to run as I need to head out in 45 minutes to a meeting…. and yet the tears fall.
I remember my WHY.
I had forgotten. In the last few weeks whilst I have been sabotaging everything I have built for myself, I was out of control. I had stopped liking myself. I had stopped believing in the power that I know is within me (and you have this too) and I had almost “given in”. I can label this and throw a million excuses out there, things like I’m exhausted and reaching burn out, I need a holiday as I work too hard, I’m too busy, blah blah blah blah. And all I need to do to change this are some really simple things, like get some more exercise, stop drinking alcohol (last year I didn’t touch it for 7 months and my business took off…. um, durrhhhh), stop smoking cigarettes (yes, that old chestnut that I still go back to when I don’t like myself much), making all kinds of excuses to find distractions to NOT action the things I need to take action on…. I am lucky that I have some good people in my life, a fabulous woman called me out on my “distractions” last week… Wow.
Where to from here? I have “started again” so many times, the lives I have led, the adventures I have been on, there are so many, at times I just want to stop. But, there’s this thing, burning away inside of me, not letting me slow down, not letting me rest and I guess I won’t until I “Do This”.
Begin Something. Be Special. This is a better mantra for the B.S. don’t you think? Begin Something. Be Special. Begin Something. Be Special. Begin Something. Be Special. Begin Something. Be Special. Begin Something.
I already am Special. I already have begun something. Now it’s time to finish it.
Love Susan xxx
P.S. Got some B.S. you need to get off your chest? Comment below if you want to share and I’ll give you a new mantra to Believe in You.